Life has a funny way to give you the middle finger sometimes. I was driving up to my house one day after having eaten breakfast at my favorite restaurant, when I see what looked like bird shit on the windshield, carefully crafted into what resembled a hand with its middle finger up, staring back at me, as I had one of those random, negative and pessimistic thoughts I usually have.
It’s been a little over a month since I stepped away from my website, closing it down, trying to forget it was even there. I’ve gone deep into my own self, mediated, had a long and painful conversation with myself, and reached a final conclusion: all I needed was a break. But now I am back, with a couple of bad habits under my sleeve (drugs, alcohol, you know, the usual), but ready to die doing what I love.
Writing, that is.
During this time in limited isolation, I have done a considerable amount of writing. I also redesigned my website and went back to an old blog I had left in limbo for a while. I trimmed down by social media presence and wet dreams of self-promotion, as I had promised, finding so much fucking peace and quiet, as I create this fiction that I think I was born to create.
It’s ironic how thinking about death is making me want to live, even more, using every minute I’ve got, focusing only on what is essential.
I’ve lost a lot lately. The Guy Up There has taken away friends I will miss dearly, and others down here have just faded on their own. Life continues being a rhapsody of sucking and failing, falling down and standing up. You may be wondering, “Gabriel, where the fuck are you going with this?”
Well, the answer is simple, I am going back to that shitty, middle finger on my windshield, the one life has given me because I tend to whine sometimes and feel sorry about myself…but I am gonna stop now. Some aspects of my life needed some clarification, and now that this is done, I can go back and continue doing the work.
Everything comes down to acceptance, and I have accepted my role in this play we call Life. I am like the Frankenstein’s monster in that tv show Penny Dreadful (but better looking, I like to think), underneath the platform, making sure everyone on stage is performing well, and the public is having a good time. This is my part, and I am playing it well, writing every single day, having my own personal fun, living on my own particular way.
That middle finger on the windshield was a reminder. I need to be thankful for what I’ve got, grateful for the people who read this blog and give me the strength to continue doing what I know best. I am back, not only thanks to my own perseverance but also thanks to your encouraging words.
My heart goes out to all of you.